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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Eleftherios Venizelos Street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual—double espresso, extra shot. I need that caffeine kick, ya know? But the barista, bless her heart, spills half of it. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But hey, I laugh it off. Gotta keep it light, right?

13 days, 2 hurricanes, and incalculable anxiety in Tampa Bay